The New York Times recently took a break from writing think pieces about Sarah Palin and pointing out that no one has money anymore to cover some actual news: Tim Hortons is coming to New York City. In Canada, Tim Hortons is like Dunkin’ Donuts, only good, or like Krispy Kreme, only successful. We Canadians gather in Tim Hortons at least once a week to worship their made-on-the-premises doughnuts, sandwiches and awesome coffee and now New Yorkers will get to taste the mighty flavor of Canada. This is the first major international relief effort undertaken by Canada to the United States and I can think of no better way to offer aid and comfort to distressed Americans than to let a thousand Tim Hortons bloom.

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Tim Hortons will spring up in 13 converted Dunkin’ Donuts locations across the city, although the owner of the locations, Dennis Riese, was recently disenfranchised by Dunkin’ Donuts, who also sued him, but still…Tim Hortons! The coffee is great (and served within 20 minuts of being made) and its Iced Cappuccinos are loved by all and rumored to possess magical healing properties. When I was little, no car trip was undertaken without first stopping at Tim Hortons to offer up prayers for a successful trip and to ritually consume Timbits.

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With the introduction of the Nanaimo Bar at Dirt Candy, the upcoming opening of the poutine restaurant, T-Poutine, and now the arrival of Tim Hortons it seems that the darkest fears of the few are coming true. America is weak, its economy staggering from blow after blow, and taking advantage of its condition, Canada invades with delicious coffee and doughnuts. The apocalyptic battle that will decide the fate of North America is here…and it is Maple-Dipped and full of flavor.

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Tim Hortons. Always fresh.

Always awesome.

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