TV Thinks I Am Fat....

 

Just when I thought I was prepared for the summer and couldn't possibly be surprised by anything, Dirt Candy takes premature revenge. Yesterday morning I woke up, the birds were singing, the sun was shining, my insurance premiums were paid up, I checked my email and saw....

 

From the producers of Kitchen Nightmares & Celebrity Fit Club  COMES A NEW LIFE CHANGING WEIGHT LOSS DOCU-SERIES FOR ANYONE IN THE

CULINARY OR FOOD WORLD!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR JOB OR LIFE, WE ARE COMING TO YOU!

If you are 75+ POUNDS OVERWEIGHT or potentially unhealthy & have a job in the food industry, this is your chance to turn your life around!

 

Why couldn't it be 60 pounds overweight? Why couldn't it be 50? I mean, from some angles I can see that someone might think I'm 40 pounds overweight, but "75+ pounds"?!? Thanks for telling me I'm fat, TV. Somehow, I'm sure that this is Dirt Candy's way of making me feel bad before I go on vacation.

 

"I am not 75+ pounds overweight. Maybe 40. Max."

Be Prepared!

Last summer I went away on summer vacation and everything broke. It was like Dirt Candy was mad at me for leaving it alone, and so it took revenge by costing me thousands in repair bills and hundreds in therapy bills by completely imploding for three solid weeks after I returned.

 

"I hate yoooooouuuu!!!!!"

 

This summer, I'm not taking any chances. I bought all new equipment. Everything that broke last year has been replaced and I have back-ups for almost every single piece of equipment. My apartment looks like a restaurant supply store. I had the dishwasher looked at, sent the ice cream maker in for repair, bought back-up induction burners in case the burners go down, got a new juicer, there's a new slicer on the way, I bought new pasta rollers and back-up pasta rollers. The only thing that hasn't been repaired, replaced or has a replacement on standby is the oven. I'm expecting that to break any minute now.

No Longer Fit

Super summer bummer! I just noticed that my ranking on Open Table as "Fit for Foodies" has been removed. But it's not some insidious plot or a sign of slipping standards. Open Table rankings operate in real time according to the reviews that are there and those reviews are updated approximately every 90 days. So if you have some bad reviews, they eventually slip further and further down in time and finally vanish off Open Table altogether so that when you read reviews you're only getting the latest ones made in the last three months. What's happened with my Open Table reviews is that no one's left one for a while, so currently it's as if I have no reviews on Open Table, which makes me feel sort of naked.

If only these kittens had Open Table reviews....

Don't worry - I'm not asking anyone to go post reviews for Dirt Candy; you can't write a review unless you've booked a reservation through Open Table. It's just another semi-interesting look at the way these things work. Emphasis on "semi." Even stranger, I notice that there aren't very many recent online reviews for Dirt Candy at all. Have I reached some sort of strange unreviewable status? Is online reviewing over? Did someone break the internet?

If you do eat at Dirt Candy, please feel free to post an Open Table review. Even the bad ones are genuinely fun to read. I got hours of enjoyment out of the person who complained that they had a three course meal and it took them one and a half hours. Way too long in their book! We're like a restaurant run by snails!

It's a Wedding!

Dirt Candy will be closed this Saturday, July 2 because we're all going to a wedding.

And it's not this creepy taxidermy kitten wedding.

Danielle, my prep chef who's been here pretty much since the first day Dirt Candy opened, is getting married and all of us from Dirt Candy are heading out to celebrate with her. So you can't have dinner here this Saturday, but if you're somewhere having a meal, raise a glass and wish her the best. She deserves this happiness.