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I know that everyone loves a deal, and I’ve spent my fair share of time watching in awe as eXtreme Couponers get $640 of groceries for $5.41 on TV, but I am really, really getting tired of being cold called almost every single day by phone bullies from sites like Groupon, Living Social and Blackboard Eats. The calls always go exactly the same way. They recite some rote boilerplate about all the amazing things they’re going to do for my business, I tell them I only have 18 tables and don’t want to use their services but thanks for calling. Then, inevitably, they get angry and confrontational and say, “Why? That’s not very smart. We can make you a lot of money.” I tell them that business is great, and I don’t want to use their services, but thanks for calling. They say, “Then you’ll probably fail,” or “Everyone uses us and you should too,” or “You’re just throwing away money,” or some variation thereof. Again, I thank them for their concern and ask them not to call me anymore. They hang up (or I hang up on them at this point) and, inevitably, I get a call from them one week later, trying to shake me down again.

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I have nothing against these companies, and I bet they work like a dream for a lot of businesses, but mine’s not one of them. And yet every day they wear me down and wear me down and as much as I try not to hate them I think that if I met someone who worked for one of them at this point I probably could not resist smacking them in the face with a hot pan. I could just hang up on them, I suppose, but I guess I don’t have it in me to be rude like that on the phone. Seriously, if you work for one of these companies and you happen to read this, please let your people know that the more they call me the greater the chance is that I will eventually seek out an old witch to put a curse on them so that their tongues grow thick, furry mold so they can never talk on the telephone again.

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“Ooo…50% off full body waxes? I am so there!”

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