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The New Dirt Candy…For Men!

Welcome to the Manliest Virtual Crossover Event Ever. Food writer, Charlotte Druckman, is getting ready to publish her book, Skirt Steak, which is all about women in professional kitchens, based on extensive interviews she did with folks like Gabrielle Hamilton, Anita Lo, me, and a whole lot of other people (out in October). She and I were recently baffled by Men’s Health’s inane competition where they ask readers to vote for the “Manliest Restaurant in America.” I didn’t know restaurants came with secondary sexual characteristics, but apparently I’m wrong. Charlotte has written a take-down of the competition itself, but I instantly panicked. Being competitive, I vowed that if someone, somewhere, was having a competition for “Manliest Restaurant” then Dirt Candy would win. So I’ve made a few changes to the place.

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Welcome to Man Candy, a restaurant for men. Reservations are made fast and our manner is brusque. A guy with no neck named Vito will show up 24 hours in advance of your table and punch you in the face to confirm your reservation. When you arrive at Man Candy there is always a wait. The maître d’ will tell you it’s a half-hour, but 20 minutes later he’ll apologize and tell you it’s another half hour. This will continue until you slip a folded $20 into his pocket, at which point his expression will light up, he’ll welcome you back, and lead you to “your usual table.” This will not fail to impress your dining companions.

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Making a rezzy at Man Candy…for men!

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Your table will always be occupied by a grizzled mercenary, who’s fresh from a sub-Saharan tribal conflict and slugging back no-name whiskey. You’ll have to fist fight him to get him to leave, but don’t worry: the mercenary always loses. After seating you in enormous wingback leather armchairs, your waiter will bring out cigars the size of tree stumps and glasses of scotch. This scotch is made especially for Man Candy and you can toss it back all night long without ever getting drunk. It simply gives you a nice buzz and makes your stories extremely fascinating.

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Getting a table…for men!

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Once you have your menus, select your meal by shooting holes through descriptions of the dishes you like. Woman will never be given a menu; Man will have to order for her. Once he has congratulated you on your choices, the waiter will rub himself down with olive oil and engage you in Greco-Roman wrestling. If you pin him, you can introduce him to your dining companions as “an old friend from boarding school.” Before dessert, he’ll express admiration and jealousy for how far you’ve come in the world, then, he will beg you for a job. If he pins you, you’ll both laugh, slap each other on the back, and congratulate yourselves on a game well played.

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Calamari…for men!

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There are three categories on our menu: Meat, More Meat, and A Whole Lot of Meat. Choose Meat and you will be led to a cave at the rear of Man Candy where you will be allowed to kill an entire pride of lions who are threatening a native village. With More Meat, you will be given a pair of boxing gloves as a herd of elephants stampedes your table. Each elephant is savage in appearance but possessed of a glass jaw. They will be pureed in a blender and served “fondue” style.

Both options are delicious, but A Whole Lot of Meat is where Man Candy’s kitchen really shines. After you place your order, Nazis will storm the restaurant and you must fight them with nothing but a revolver, a bullwhip, and your fists. Each Nazi is made of veal from our farm, and cooked on a fire made of exploding tanks. (Chicken Nazis are also available). All dishes come with a side platter of bacon, so you can say things to your table like, “Bacon is my favorite vegetable,” “Bacon makes everything better,” and “Mmm…bacon.” These are always guaranteed to elicit a laugh and knowing nods from your companions.

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Making sashimi…for men!

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While dining at Man Candy there are several supplements you can request. One is an under-the-table “manscaping” session from Sergio, our elderly Italian barber. There’s no better way to treat yourself right than with a below-the-belt, hot-towel, straight razor shave from Sergio, and trust us: your fellow diners will never know your secret. (NOTE: for parties of six or more, only three under-the-table manscaping sessions can be scheduled during any one meal due to space limitations).

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Sergio the Italian barber…for men!

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If you’re worried about your physique, extra-heavy cutlery and glasses will be set at your place and Human Growth Hormone will be dusted lightly over your meal. You can bulk up, while filling up. Or, if you wish to impress your guests, they will be given the extra-heavy place settings instead while yours will be made of lightweight aluminum. As their arms sag and their shoulders buckle under the strain of their leaden silverware, they’ll marvel at the way you keep cheerfully using your knife and fork with no apparent effort. And don’t worry: your secret is safe with us.

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Having a crab boil…for men!

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Many fine restaurants give diners a muffin for the next morning or some caramels to take away with them, but at Man Candy each guest is given a vat-grown clone of Jeeves, Bertie Wooster’s indispensable butler, to take with them as a treat. What better way to wake up than with your very own manservant standing in your bedroom bearing your breakfast on a silver tray, your paper neatly folded beside it, ready to shine your shoes and brush your suits and teeth for you? Man Candy’s clones of Jeeves are made from corn starch, so when you’re tired of him, just push Jeeves into the shower, turn on the water, and in a few minutes, he’ll be washed down the drain.

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Giant otter attack…for men!

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Man Candy understands that there are many restaurants in New York City for you to choose from, and they’re all perfectly wonderful if you’re a woman. But if you’re a man, there really is only one restaurant for you: Man Candy, the restaurant made for men.

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Just another satisfied Man Candy customer…for men!

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menu


Menu

Snack

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Jalapeno Hush Puppies $6
served with maple butter
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Appetizers

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Mushroom $13
portobello mousse, truffled toast
pear & fennel compote

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Cucumber $12
roasted cucumber hot and sour soup,
black sesame, garlic chili oil, wood ear
mushroom, cucumber jelly

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Tomato $13
tomato cake with smoked feta,
yellow tomato leather, herb puree

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Potato $12
warm potato salad, crispy Japanese
yams, grilled sweet potato, olives,
bitter greens, apples

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Entrees

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Beets $20
salt-roasted beets, thai green curry,
beet gnocchi, whipped coconut galangal cream

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Pepper $18
fennel & pepper tofu,
parsley spaetzle, grilled
yellow pepper broth,
mustard crumbs

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Broccoli $21
smoked broccoli dogs,
broccoli kraut, salt &
vinegar broccoli rabe

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Corn $19
stone ground grits, corn cream,
pickled shiitakes, huitlacoche,
tempura poached egg

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- everything on the menu can be made vegan on request.

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Dessert

Rosemary Eggplant Tiramisu $12
grilled eggplant, rosemary cotton
candy, mascarpone

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Ice Cream Nanaimo Bar$11
sweet pea, mint, chocolate

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Popcorn Pudding$11
salted caramel corn

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Celery Cheesecake Roll$10
celeriac ice cream, peanut filling,

& candied grapes

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- vegan dessert selection changes regularly, please ask your server.

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Our wine list (and other beverages)

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Gift Certificates

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