I’m always getting emails from those poor African people who have their funds trapped in a bank and need an American citizen to help them transfer it out of their home country for a small finders fee. I feel terrible for them, but I can’t help because I’m not an American citizen. But then, right after Dirt Candy opened, I got a chance to do my part. A very kind man named Engineer Andy Jakes emailed me and said that he had oil workers who were just getting off a rig and they wanted to have dinner at Dirt Candy for three nights. I figured that I could charge them a set rate, have them out by 8:30 and still be able to turn the tables once.

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I didn’t stop to wonder who, exactly, these 15 vegetarian oil workers were. Indians who are vegetarian? Muslims who are tired of halal places? Chinese people who are bored of meat and want a change? Hippies now working for the oil industry and trying to change it from within? Did it matter? I emailed Engineer Andy Jakes back and told him “No problem!” and gave him a quote. Then I got his next email.

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We’re hungry!

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Apparently, he was going to give me a $3,000 deposit on his credit card, then book a car service to bring his hungry oil workers to dinner. But the car service’s credit card machine was bad, and they couldn’t take his card. And, as he reminded me, “…am on the high sea work on an OIL RIG. There are no bank or western union here.” So I was to get his credit card, charge it for $9,000, then keep $3,000 and give the remaining $6,000 to the car service. That’s when I knew something was up: the car service cost twice as much as dinner? I was a) insulted and b) suspicious. So I never responded.

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You wanna split some jalapeno hush puppies?

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I’m impressed that this scam is so tailored to restaurants and so specific. Don’t we all feel sort of bad for guys who have to live on oil rigs for months at a time? I’m kind of curious to know if anyone has ever fallen for this scam and I still might. Just two days ago I got an email from Dr. Allan Brad, director of Staff welfare Aiken Offshore United Kingdom. “I want  to book dinner for my group of workers,” he wrote. “They will all come for dinner in your place as from January 21st, 22nd and 23rd, 2009 by 6:30pm each day. They are 15 in number.” I could probably turn the tables once after they left, and the economy’s not so great. It actually doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

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Dirt Candy, here I come!